Please don’t sqeeze the Charmin and how we argue is a metaphor for teh stoopid

So, there’s this invention that needs to be made. Well, it’s more of a modification than invention, but it does need to get figured out and put into production. While the thing probably won’t bring about world peace, solve the issue of providing clean energy for the masses, or even explain who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-bop, it has merit and a place in our society. What I am talking about here will revolutionize the way we provide an essential product to users, who happen to be every man, woman, and child beyond the age of potty training. Folks, we are talking toilet paper dispenser here.

Probably since the first indoor flusher got stopped up by the too wide pages of that catalog Misters Sears & Roebuck sent to American households, there has been a bone of contention, an issue of division, a pain in the butts of families across this great land of ours. And this divisive issue spread from the privacy of individual households into the workplace where it hampers workplace morale to the point of causing periodic disruptions in productivity. Yes, this invention, or modification, solves the old problem of over-the-roll or under-the-roll, or who the hell cares so long as there is toilet paper on the roll when one needs a swipe of soft yet strong ass-wipe.

Someone near and dear to me was musing on a huge inter-office row that evolved into days of bickering, mocking, hurt feelings, feuding, and has still gone unresolved and a source of tension, derision, hard feelings, and general potty mouth sniping of the people on two sides of this non-issue tissue issue. Why, the very fact that one part of this three-way dispute does not see that the directional flow of soft but sturdy two-ply butt buff as an issue worthy of concern, let alone debate, is enough to set off both the over the roll and the under the roll factions. Petty or not, this is some serious shit.

Enough! Enough, I say. This is America. We are Americans. We are the people who tamed a vast and wild continent, wiping out whole nations of other peoples who were already doing just fine. This is the nation that not only won world wars, saving the status quo for the Haves in Europe, so that freedom and business could thrive, if marketed properly and subsidized lavishly. This over/under/who-give’s-a-rat’s-butt conflict is something we can, and must solve.

Yes, friends, we’ve got trouble! We’ve got terrible trouble, right here in River City. Wait, that’s a whole different story.

Yes, friends, we’ve got inventiveness. We’ve got drive, and we have mad skills. We’ve even got some small pockets where some few products are still made right here in the US of A, even if a lot of those pockets are in private, for profit prisons. We can do this. We should do this. And by the God who didn’t have a hand in the creation of this nation, we must do this.

Ball socket, rotating toilet paper roll hangers! It will revolutionize how Americans confront the matter of wiping their asses. Ball socket, rotating paper roll hangers will allow for toilet paper rolls to be turned to either the over or the under positions, thereby making it possible for the insanely easy to fluster user to simply lift and turn the entire apparatus so the paper hangs in accordance with their personal, but strongly held, opinion of how ass-wipe should be presented. Done are the marital disputes over this horrendous divide. Over are the workplace feuds and fury over why the other people are just plain wrong about this huge bottleneck to team spirit and productivity.

Basically, it would work like this, and your humble inventor apologizes for both her failure at drafting and the lack of a rendering program to illustrate such a thing, instead of a screw to hold a basic paper roller to the wall, in would be an inset ball and socket device which would allow for lifting the roll away from the wall and simply flipping it over so that the direction of toilet paper roll-out would be more pleasing to the user.

OK, perhaps some of you have trouble with the envisioning step required here. Let me try to verbally illustrate the concept another way. Y’all know about trailer hitches? The ball is on the backside of the truck and the socket is on the front end of the trailer. The socket is loose enough to allow for movement over the ball, which allows for some mobility in the direction of the trailer, making cornering a bit easier. Well, picture the ball as a much smaller piece of hardware that is on the end of a screw that goes into the wall. The socket is, well, a socket that fits over the ball snug enough to stay on, but with enough play to allow it to slide around the ball, both side to side and up/down. Now instead of a big ol chunk of metal joining the socket to a big ol trailer, we have a smaller chunk of metal that has, threaded through it, a firm, but flexible spanning frame that holds the spring-loaded wooden toilet paper roller.

Still having trouble with the vision thing? OK, forget trying to take a big thing and see it much smaller, and picture a pickup truck (the wall) with a ball hitch, only one that faces directly backwards rather than the up position generally used for such devices (that would be the screw head, set into the wall adjacent to the crapper.) attached to a socket (the trailer hitch, this time facing frontwards rather than down, like in a real trailer) and then, in your mind’s eye, just lift that ol horse trailer off the ground far enough to flip that sucker over so the horses are all on their heads with their feet up in the air. Yeah, see, like that. Only without horses being harmed, because we’re actually flipping a four and a half-inch roll of paper rather than a metal box full of Mr. Ed.

Oh crap. The spousal unit just pointed out that my complicated any lift/flip apparatus, complete with spinning horse trailer analogy isn’t needed at all. What is needed is a simple hinge bracket mounted on the wall, and an L-shaped bit of metal, long end for the roll of TP and the short end past the bend for the bracket on the wall. Want the paper roll to go over, turn to this way. Want it to go under, turn it to the other side.

Peace may not break out all over the world or even in most households and workplaces, but we all would have one less surrogate issue to use as the whipping boy for the real issues that simmer like pots of demons in the back recesses of our well insulated psyches. Now tell those office wanks and skanks to just STFU and put the roll however the frack they want it then get back to doing what it is they are supposed to do.


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